Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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