i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
