I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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