Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
