you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Umm I'm too high to move.
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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