did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
