I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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