What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
