I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
