Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
