I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
