I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
