I wanna bring you to show and tell
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
