Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
