I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
