is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
