The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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