his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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