how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
