I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
