I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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