There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
