just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
