Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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