I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
