I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
