If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
