farters have to be the big spoon...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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