Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
