Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
