dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
