If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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