It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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