My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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