You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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