Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
