i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
