She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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