you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
