I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
This is the high leading the old right now
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
