She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
