Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
