i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
