Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
