I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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