So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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