watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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