If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
