Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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