PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
